Time doesn't always heal the pain
by YoureTheOne
Summary: Set during season 6, it's first then Tony realizes how much he really misses Kate.


"Kate!" Tony yelled as he woke up from his dream and all three of his team mates looked questiongly at him as he rubbed his knuckles against his eyes, what was going on? He hadn't dreamt of Kate since the night after her funeral.

"Did you just say, Kate?" McGee asked.

"I don't know, did I?" Tony asked sleepily, even though he was fully aware of what he had dreamt. He had looked down at Kate' body, and swept her blood away from his own face; it had felt warmed against his own skin. It was more of a flashback than a dream really.

"Why were you dreaming about Kate?" Ziva asked and Tony shook his head without answering her question.

"Hey, get back to work!" Gibbs said and glanced over at Tony who gave him a grateful look. Tony was the one who had shown the least feelings after Kate died, and Gibbs knew it was because he felt like he had to put up a brave face.

Tony sighed, and looked down at the piece of paper he was working at. But he couldn't write anything as Ziva's words was glued to his brain "_Why were you dreaming about Kate?" _If only he knew it himself.

After he got reassigned, and was feeling guilty over Jenny Shepherd's death, his mind had wandered to Kate's death as well, but it was just a vague thought he had gotten before he fell asleep, nothing more than that. He could still hear Director Vance's voice inside his head:

_"__**Agent DiNozzo, you've been reassigned**____afloat USS Ronald Reagan, pack your bags, you fly out tomorrow_"

It was a way to punish him, Gibbs knew it and he knew it. And to be honest, he had felt like he deserved it; it was his fault Jenny had died and sometimes it felt like it was his fault Kate had died.

"_No, stop thinking about Kate, you've moved on a long time ago" _ Tony said and shook the thought out of his head and focused on the piece of paper in front of him.

"Gibbs, David, a word?" The director asked as he looked at them from the top of the stairs.

"Someone is in trouble Ziva" Tony said jokingly and she just looked strict at him as she and Gibbs followed their orders and walked up the stairs to the director and then disappeared into his office.

When they were gone Tony got up from his chair and walked over to McGee.

"You need anything Tony?" McGee said and looked weirdly at him.

"Have you've been to Kate's grave lately?" Tony asked out of the blue.

"Sure, I stop by when I get the chance, why?" McGee asked and Tony blinked a couple of times to avoid eye contact. "Is this because you dreamed about her?"

"No, it was just- Never mind" Tony brushed him off and walked back to his seat.

"Tony, when was the last time you were there?"

Tony sighed deeply "Her funeral"

-

"Whatcha doing?" Tony asked innocently as he walked into Abby's lab and ruffled her pony tails.

"I'm doing an experiment; want to know what it's about?" Abby asked excitingly as she turned around to face Tony.

"No" Tony said firmly "When was the last time you were at Kate's grave?"

Kate looked confused at him "Where did that come from?"

"Just answer Abby" Tony said.

"I go once a week, or at least 3 times a month" Abby said, her voice growing seriously "What's this about Tony?"

"I don't know" Tony said and brushed a hand through his spiky hair and Kate placed a hand on his arm.

"I think you do" Abby said, being as philosophic as possible, as Abby always was in these kind of situations.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Tony asked confused.

"I don't know, it just seemed like a smart thing to say" Abby said and clapped her hands together.

"Right" Tony said and nodded, as he was about to go out of the lab, Abby stopped him.

"Maybe you should go there and talk to her"

"She can't hear me, she's dead" Tony said, he didn't mean to let it come out so cold.

"I know, but it helps" Abby said "And who says she can't hear me?"

"Abby…"

"Just do it Tony" Abby commanded "But don't let this take over your life"

Tony sighed; Abby always knew how to be so overdramatic.

-

Tony walked over the graveyard, searching for Kate's grave, even though he knew exactly where it was. One of his hands was resting against his thigh, and the other one was clenching onto a bouquet of flowers that was from her favorite florist. He still remembered, that wasn't normal, was it?

He reached the grave, and laid the flowers in front of the tombstone. He was afraid someone would see him and sat down in front of the stone, reading the description. Her name, the date she had died.

"So, hey Kate" Tony said and he felt stupid, talking to a stone. "Abby told me to come here, I'm not sure if you can even hear me, and to be honest I don't think you can"

He sighed deeply and continued talking "But if you can hear me, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry… And that Gibbs, McGee and Abby really misses you" Tony didn't want to pour out his heart to someone who he didn't really think was there, but he continued on anyway.

"And I miss you too, but I have a good life now, not that I didn't when you were alive or anything" Tony said "But I still wished you would elbow me in the stomach when I say stupid stuff like that" He looked around himself, seeing if there was anyone nearby, but it wasn't.

"A lot has happened you know" Tony said with a small smile as he sat down on the ground. "Gibbs quit you know, and I was the new boss, but he's back now off course" He continued babbling on about unimportant stuff that Kate would probably ask him to shut up about if she was still alive.

"I got reassigned and was on the sea for two months, so if you would have been here now, I would know my way around those things much better than you" He said with a smile.

"And your replacement Ziva, Abby's probably told you all about her, well anyway, I had some pictures of her there that wasn't… Well you get the picture" He took a deep breath "But under my pillow I had the picture of you from that wet t-shirt contest, but not for the reasons you think"

"I can't believe I'm saying this but… When you were alive, I might have had feelings for you" He said and took another deep breath "Off course I'm telling you this now"

He got up from his spot on the ground and brushed away the dust from his pants. "Bye Kate, it was nice talking to you… But even though I didn't appreciate it when you were alive, I miss the way you talked back to me" He took a few steps away from the grave, but turned around.

"And I promise to visit you more often" He said and walked over the graveyard, wishing that he was the one who had put the bullet into Ari's body.

_You used to captivate me  
by your resonating light  
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_


End file.
